ubos

  
Mahal mo ba sya?Kailan? Paano? 

Hanggang saan?

Mahal mo lang ba sya sa tuwing napapasaya ka nya?

Sa mga pagkakataon na masarap syang kasama? Na masaya syang kasama? Sa mga sandaling maayos at okay ang lahat?

Pano sa mga oras na hindi ka nya kayang pangitiin? o sa mga sandali na hindi nya makuhang ngumiti? Sa mga oras na hindi nya kayang tumawa o ipakita sayo o sa mga tao sa paligid nya na okay lang ang lahat?
Ayaw mo na? aayaw ka na? Dahil hindi na masaya? Dahil hindi naaayon sa gusto mo? dahil taliwas na sa nabuo sa isipin mo na kung pano dapat kayo? Dahil Hindi na magaan? Dahil hindi mo kayang tagalan na makasama sya sa mga pagkakataon na hindi nya magawang maging maayos ang lahat gaya ng inaasahan mo..
Mahal mo sya? Mahal mo ba? Marahil.. Siguro.. Oo..

Ang pagmamahal mo ba ay kayang irespeto ang buo yang pagkatao?

Mahal mo sya.. Oo, siguro,  sa maraming pagkakataon..

Ngunit ang pagmamahal mo kaya ay kayang balutin ng respeto ang nanliliit na himaymay ng kanyang pagkatao?

 

I

  
I’m not good in words really there are times when I try to express myself

I would feel that there’s a huge slab on my chest and throat that would hinder me to express what I truly feel 
to say what’s really ticking on this tangled and cluttered head of mine So I always kept my silence,
I hold back
So I write
I write my feelings
I write my emotions
I write my life
I write my love
I write a part, I write a whole
though I’m no expert in writing as well
in English or grammar or in structured or technical
I don’t even know where I’m good at or I thought I was good on something before but over the years I’m not sure anymore
I don’t have a sense of direction
I easily get lost when someone is trying to lead my path before me without even asking, knowing what would really makes me happy and at peace 
but you know I usually give in with their wishes, with their expectations, with their imaginative perceptions about me
I have a lot of insecurities
I am complicated, I am delicate, I am a chaos,
but I guess if there’s something certain, definite, simple and plain within me is my heart and how It is
I laugh harder, I cry harder, I love harder
There are countless of moments when my heart was ripped down and I feel worthless, horrible and a failure but then again I always try to pulled back 
I am a giver, I always believe I am
I give what I have
and when I say I give what I have, It is my everything and my all, the only thing that remains even though my all may seem or will never be enough 
In my life I have met quite a lot of people, some as they say leave a short note, a paragraph or became a header, build me up while others tear me apart and leave during the darkest hours of my life
I’ve heard a lot of promises that turned out to be lies and pretentions
and I’ve learned that out of number of people that would tell you they wouldn’t leave, they would eventually
you’ll be one hell of a lucky person if someone would choose to stay or return out of nowhere
and every time my heart gets broken and every time I fall apart 
when something goes wrong or right
good or bad
difficult or easy
I do not wish to be saved

I just need someone to stand by my side 
as I try to saved myself

I do not want to be saved, All i want is to be safe

I just want someone to be there for me

So I think one of my biggest fear is to grow old alone and lonely 

To grow old realizing that out of billions of people in this world

nobody wants to spend a lifetime with me

for me

that’s tragic

 

Stilletos

you lovely creature,

trapped in the closet

every time you will fall in love,

you smile secretly,

you laugh behind that doors

you say those three words,

with a single audience to hear,

and at downfall

you heartbroken,

you hide those tears

you cry on the sly

weep alone

where no one can see

no one can hear

and when you step out

behind that stage

bloody red on your lips

high heels on your feet

pinkish dress you wore

you give one hell of a show

but what’s beyond that curtain

beyond that grin

and the act..

a story they will never know..

 

secrets and lie…

secrets and lies can tear you apart… “Issa”