I’m not good in words really there are times when I try to express myself
I would feel that there’s a huge slab on my chest and throat that would hinder me to express what I truly feel
to say what’s really ticking on this tangled and cluttered head of mine So I always kept my silence,
I hold back
So I write
I write my feelings
I write my emotions
I write my life
I write my love
I write a part, I write a whole
though I’m no expert in writing as well
in English or grammar or in structured or technical
I don’t even know where I’m good at or I thought I was good on something before but over the years I’m not sure anymore
I don’t have a sense of direction
I easily get lost when someone is trying to lead my path before me without even asking, knowing what would really makes me happy and at peace
but you know I usually give in with their wishes, with their expectations, with their imaginative perceptions about me
I have a lot of insecurities
I am complicated, I am delicate, I am a chaos,
but I guess if there’s something certain, definite, simple and plain within me is my heart and how It is
I laugh harder, I cry harder, I love harder
There are countless of moments when my heart was ripped down and I feel worthless, horrible and a failure but then again I always try to pulled back
I am a giver, I always believe I am
I give what I have
and when I say I give what I have, It is my everything and my all, the only thing that remains even though my all may seem or will never be enough
In my life I have met quite a lot of people, some as they say leave a short note, a paragraph or became a header, build me up while others tear me apart and leave during the darkest hours of my life
I’ve heard a lot of promises that turned out to be lies and pretentions
and I’ve learned that out of number of people that would tell you they wouldn’t leave, they would eventually
you’ll be one hell of a lucky person if someone would choose to stay or return out of nowhere
and every time my heart gets broken and every time I fall apart
when something goes wrong or right
good or bad
difficult or easy
I do not wish to be saved
I just need someone to stand by my side
as I try to saved myself
I do not want to be saved, All i want is to be safe
I just want someone to be there for me
So I think one of my biggest fear is to grow old alone and lonely
To grow old realizing that out of billions of people in this world
nobody wants to spend a lifetime with me
for me
that’s tragic
bristleconebreeze 